I Want My MTV.....To Go Straight to Hell

This past week me and a few buddies were watching a game together and they wondered why I often changed to MTV during commercials. I pondered this for a while, it really doesn't make any sense. Then I came up with it. Over millions of years birds have learned when to fly south in the winter, they just do it. Well, when I was nine I started watching MTV. Yes it was the summer of "Once Bitten Twice Shy" by Whitesnake. Well it used to be nice to get home and listen to Guns, Tupac, Skid Row, Snoop, and some classic Bon Jovi (Lay Your Hands on Me anyone?) and just kick it. Well that instict is still genetically encoded within me somehow. Well I am determined to break this habit, why you ask? Because MTV sucks huge donkey balls. Take tomorrow for example. They will be playing music for nine hours, seven of those hours air before 9 AM. The rest of the day is dedicated to Laguna Beach, Making the Band 3, Homewreckers, Next, Made and Punk'd and Real World. All these shows are abominations. Not only do the shows suck, but according to my unscientific study, these fuckers play more commercials than anyone in the business.
Okay, let's say that MTV had to bow to the reality tv Gods to pander for rating, that's still no excuse to show each show five times a day. Take tonight for instance, Laguna Beach airs from 5pm to 9:30pm. I grant you those nubile girls are pretty hot, but that show is so badly written (and don't tell me it's not scripted) that it is absolutely unwatchable. Anyway, why run the show into the ground every single day? Spread it out MTV and play music instead.
The next thing that will earn God's eternal wrath is MTV's insistance on making their awards shows spawn unholy shows from the underworld. Spring Break Uncensored, Movie Awards Uncensored, Music Awards Uncensored, you know what? They aren't fucking uncensored because you still beep shit out! How much do artists pay you to tape the "Making the Video" anyway? The only thing more annoying than non-music shows on a channel that dubs itself music television is advertising that claims to be actual tv.
Here's the next thing that is damnation-worthy. Now I'm no moralist, but how can you market a channel to 12-year-olds and then have a show called "NEXT," "Have Sex with My Mom," or "Room Raiders?" I mean, there are 16 year olds looking for jizz on sheets, 15 year old lesbians dropping some of the worst lines, (We'll have to clean the bathroom, in our bikinis) and old worn out moms getting all excited and trying to win the chance for their daughter to get pounded by some douche that night. The worst part of it is that most of these girls aren't even good looking (they also degrade and objectify women, hell they degrade everything on God's green Earth).
The final thing I will speak on today is MTV's attempt to show music on a whole other channel, MTV2. "Nothing but music" was what they proclaimed. Well, taking a quick glance at tomorrow's schedule I see 12 hours of music. That's not all music, that's half music. In between that music we are subjected to the horrible torture that is the "Andy Milanakis Show," and "High School Stories." And don't give me the excuse that these are "music themed" shows, they are "crap themed" and that's all there is to it.
Gone are the days where I could turn to MTV and find a music video. I am making a pledge to myself, and I'll stick to it, not like that no drinking no drugs test in junior high, that I won't turn to MTV anymore. You have lost my trust Moonman, you are dead to me.

JT

RISE AGAINST THE SCOURGE THAT IS MTV!!!!!!!




Thanks pekingduck.org, mo-freek.com and BBC for pics.