Stay Away From 28th and P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I perused the newspaper today I found an article so shockingly funny, brutal, and terrifying that I had to share it with the rest of the world. Lincoln, Nebraska, is a sleepy little college town, population 250,000. Apparently though, some Lincolnites out there have gotten a little freaky. So without further ado, here's what happened.

"Soft drink lodged in man"

A 38-year-old Lincoln man showed up at BryanLGH Medical Center West on Monday, claiming he had been assaulted last week, police said Tuesday. The man told hospital staff he was in the area of 28th and P streets Thursday when someone punched him in the head from behind and kicked him when he fell.He said he temporarily lost consciousness and came to, only to find his pants down to his ankles. An X-ray at the hospital Monday revealed a 20-ounce soft drink bottle lodged in the man’s lower intestine. He was to have it removed Tuesday.

Here's the link in case you don't believe me: http://www.journalstar.com/articles/2006/04/12/local/doc443d33b397d7a377103384.txt

I have several questions about these occurances:

1. Why in the wide wide world of sports did this guy wait four days to go to the hospital? There's no way he could have had a normal crap in those four days, so that's a red flag right there.

2. That had to hurt like a bastard. I've drank my fair share of 20 ouncers, so I know the general size and contours of a bottle, and let me tell you, there's a little girth there. Let's say that this guy is telling the truth and he didn't know when, ahem, insertion occured, well how did he not notice when he woke up?

3. Do you think the bottle was unopened? or empty?

4. What kind of pop was it? This is important because of the different bottle types. Was it that pyramid like Dr. Pepper bottle, or the curvacious Coca-Cola shape?

5. Does this guy seriously expect anyone to buy this story? I mean, come on, you can't be serious right? I just want to know what the nurses on duty were saying when they saw that X-ray.