Let's Have a Dialogue Europe

This has been bugging me for quite a while. One of my fellow writers posted an entry about The Ongoing War On Christmas last December. Now, a majority of our traffic goes through this post, why? you ask, two words, GAY RUGBY. At least I think it's gay rugby. I understand what is going on in the above picture about as much as I understand the rules of Rugby. (What the hell is a 'try' and what's the deal with the guys with the white jackets and all the pointing?) I do understand that the Shetland Islands are north of England and west of Norway, and I think that's where these guys are. So I have a few questions. First of all, isn't a little cold up there to be shirtless? Secondly, with all those funny horses that are the size of dogs, how do you have time to be out playing rugby and cavorting in bars if you can just go outside and see one of those little guys. Thirdly, I just don't understand why you all want to see this picture so bad. Looks to me like a bunch of guys with no shirts at a bar. Finally I really can't believe that those are rugby players. Those guys are more flabby and pasty than Prince Charles on an ice cream binge at the North Pole.
So if you all can explain this odd fascination, I would be glad to listen.

Sincerely,

America

Guaranteed Money Making Venture

Alright, hear me out on this. I know the readers of this blog have a little bit of that green on their hands. We cater to a classy, sophisticated, business savvy crowd that has some dispensable cash. Well if you want to turn that small nest egg into millions, get in on the ground floor of my new business. Here's my plan. Make a list of the top five things people love.........got it? Okay now pick the two things in that list that go most natuarally together.....and there's your money making machine, JT's Knife and Christmas Outlet. I swear everyday I want to cut something and celebrate the birth of Jesus, finally I can do both with only one stop. Suck on that Walmart!!! I figure the clientel will be mostly old women, hunters, and hipsters who want to soak in the irony, otherwise known as the holy trinity of marketing demographics. So all I'm going to need is a couple grand from everyone to get this bad boy started. So just mail it to the Awesome Inc. office and you'll be getting your cash back quick.

Lincoln-Omaha SAT analogy answer key

It's no secret that we here at the Inc. do not like Omaha. I already knew Omaha sucked and then the black hole abyss went and had my car window broken and the faceplate of my cd player stolen while parked near Rosenblatt Stadium for the College World Series. These jokers (no doubt life long Omaha natives) didn't bother to steal the purse in the trunk of the car, the cds in the car, the actual cd player, or the baseball glove (I call him Mr. Magic). Nope, they just decided to break into my crappy Cavalier and steal the faceplate of a cd player of a brand that no longer even exists. Seriously, who the hell steals cd players anymore? I don't have a subwoofer or anything cool.

So anyway, I was able to get my hand on the answers to the Lincoln to Omaha SAT style analogies and have posted some fo them here.

For example of course a regular example may be:

Dog is to cat as puppy is to kitty or Dog : Cat = Puppy : Kitten

Lincoln : Omaha = Jewel's boobs : Jewel's teeth

Lincoln : Omaha = The Office : Two and a Half Men

Lincoln : Omaha = Baseball : Soccer

Lincoln : Omaha = Having sex with two hot twins : Having sex with your twin sister

Lincoln : Omaha = Batman Begins : Batman and Robin

Lincoln : Omaha = Manhattan, NY : Manhattan, KS

Lincoln : Omaha = Brian Conklin : Jared Homan

Lincoln : Omaha = Red Licorice : Black Licorice

Lincoln : Omaha = Jim Gaffigan : The Blue Collar Comedy Tour

Lincoln : Omaha = Never having my car broken into in 6 years : Having your car broken into about 20% of time you go to this god forsaken place.

So there you have it. Omaha continues to suck giant balls while Lincoln continues to be a bastion of greatness.

Have fun with my outdated faceplate you bastards.

J.H. Naners

Those are Conservative Values I can Get Behind

Bob Corker is a Republican from Tennessee. He believes in conservative values and positive results. His dedication to "hard work and service" were ingrained early and he learned the "value of a dollar." (Presumably that is one dollar.) His key issues are: the 2nd Amendment (he loves well-regulated militias), Taxes, the Military, security, jobs, faith and family and the justice system. He is married to Elizabeth and they have two daughters, Emily and Julia. The Corkers have worked hard to pass their values on to the daughters.



Oh, and he also values girls making out.

Julie Corker

Apparently there is a Big Soccer Tournament

There's an old saying in my neck of the woods, goes something like this: "Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen, soccer is a gentlemanly game played by beasts, and football is a beastly game played by beasts." I've been watching the World Cup and it makes me want to change the aforementioned statement to soccer is a boring game played by gigantic pussies. Everytime these guys get touched they go down in a heap like they just got shot. I understand trying to buy a call, it happens in the toughest of sports, even hockey. But other sports have at least a measure of pride. These soccer guys just go down, and nobody calls them out as little bitches.

The saddest thing about this whole Cupo de Mundo is that the flopping, diving and writhing is not the worst part. The worst part is the people who say to me, you don't understand the game, the beauty and passion, you just don't get it. I say to them, screw you guys, you must not have followed the most powerful team in the history of Lincoln YMCA soccer, the Bears. We were so tough that we didn't even have a midfielder, we called him the Monster Man. You know what, we didn't need STRETCHERS to get us off the field. These guys grimace and cry, some little Euro helpers come out with a stretcher, carry them off, and then they come back on the field a minute later, ridiculous.

So here is what I propose, if you get carried off on a stretcher you can't come back in. If you lie in the field for more than one minute you have to sit out for ten minutes. Now let's stop all this diving garbage and concentrate on what really matters, baseball season and the approacing specter of Husker football.

Oh Canada!

So I'm sitting here watching the Stanley Cup Game 3 (me and about 100 other Americans I think) and it re-established a belief I've had for a while now: Canada is awesome! The fans in Edmonton assisted in singing the "Star-Spangled Banner" and then handled "Oh Canada" all by themselves. I still had chills 20 minutes later and it was probably even better in person. Here are some other reasons why Canada rocks:

1. Great Cities - Every city I've been to in Canada is really clean, friendly, and picturesque. Victoria with it's botanical gardens and waterfront area. Vancouver with it's parks and mountain views. Toronto is amazingly clean and just a fun, vibrant city. Ottawa has some incredible government buildings and, guess what, it's clean, too. Montreal is probably the most historic city with it's old town area and French influence. I'm sure there are some bad cities in Canada, but I haven't run into one yet.

2. Niagara Falls - Yes part of the Falls is in the US, but the cooler side is in Canada. The town is a bit touristy, but it's still a beautiful place and the Journey Behind the Falls is an incredible experience.

3. Hockey - The Canadian sport is the best spectator sport in the world. They love their hockey like crazy and kudos to them for that. The Hockey Hall of Fame is in Toronto, where you can actually touch the Stanley Cup! How awesome is that?!?

4. Comedy - Some of the greatest comedians and comedic actors have come from Canada, so much love to our northern neighbors for that. Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, John Candy, Martin Short, Norm MacDonald, Tom Green, Dan Aykroyd, Phil Hartman, Leslie Nielson, and on and on. SCTV and The Kids in the Hall are two of the great comedies that have come from Canada. SNL creator Lorne Michaels is also from the land of the maple leaf.

5. Sprite Ice - Some might be wondering how a soft drink could be such a big deal, but you must realize that Sprite Ice is not only delicious, it is only available in Canada. I am not sure if it is still on sale up north, but it definitely was during my trip to Toronto. A lasting impact to be sure!

6. Roots Gear - It swept the Olympic community during the 1998 Winter Games b/c of its great look on the Canadian athletes and now the US team has hired the Canadian company to do their clothing.

Some may disagree with these reasons and have some of their own, so hopefully they share those reasons. Some may think Canada sucks, but hopefully they realize their mistake before posting on here.

BBL