I Once Was Lost....But Now I'm Found

For years I have been adrift in a sea of morose and melancholy feeling. Not sure who to trust or what to believe in. Just when you think you find something worth while it all goes up in flames. Well, I am rudderless no more. Thanks to my new spiritual guide Anna Benson, I feel good about myself. My moral compass is set directly to Her Holiness' website annabenson.net. Her you can find her thoughts on gun control, PETA, Michael Moore and Hurricane Katrina. She isn't afraid to take extreme views either. I'm sure you've never heard anyone say this before, but Anna thinks Michael Moore is overweight!!!! I am so jealous for the people of Baltimore. To have her will only make your city and the Orioles better. She is powerful too, she engineered her husband's trade to the O's. "She also showed up at the Mets' holiday party in December, where Anna Benson dressed as Santa Claus, in a low-cut Santa costume, a move that upset some in the organization."I am sexy and I don't shy away from that," she said in a statement."-ESPN.com

When you need some help getting through the day, or need an answer to a tough question, go to Anna, a former stripper, she will show you the way.

"Basically, I think that if you don’t want to own a gun, you shouldn’t. Oh, and good luck with that knife."-Anna Benson

Wiser words were never written.

JT

College Basketball Kicks Ass

I've come to the conclusion this year that college basketball is now my second favorite sport, only behind major league baseball. I can't really explain what it is that makes it such a great sport, but here are a few of the things that I think contribute to its awesomeness.

-Late night west coast games on Big Monday: Honestly, is there anything better than watcing Gonzaga-Santa Clara at midnight on a Monday. No, that is awesome. The crowds in the West Coast Conference are super intense and the games are played in very small gyms compared to what's seen in the super conferences. It seems as though there's always one or two players in either the WAC or the WCC that are awesome, but have not gotten the run they deserve. Just to name a few: Danny Granger (New Mexico last year), Andrew Bogut (Utah last year), Adam Morrison (although he's getting the well-deserved pub this year at Gonzaga), and Nick Fazekus (totally awesome, and totally skinny center for Nevada).

-Good ESPN coverage: Unlike its college football shows, which consist of little more than has-been blowhards commenting about teams they know absolutely nothing about (i.e. Mark May, Lou Holtz, Lee Corso, Rocket), ESPN's coverage of college basketball is very good. Digger Phelps gives some truly insightful commentary, Seth Davis is solid, Steve Lavin is very, very good, and Doug Gottlieb just plain kicks total ass!! Mix-in the fact that they have Rick Majerus giving some of the most informative play-by-play in the business--Ashley Judd comments aside--and you have some excellent coverage! Think about it....as annoying as Dick Vitale may be, at least it is obvious that he follows the sport very closely. Compared to Lee "whoever has the most turnovers will lose, now give me a ridiculous hat" Corso, and, well, there's no comparison. Keep it up ESPN, this is about the only thing you do well these days!

Anyways, here's my favorites to win the title 2/3 through the season.

My top 5:

1. Michigan St.- I love this team. They have everything you need to win in the tournament in that their guards are awesome and they have a legit big man in Paul Davis. Ironically, I have only seen them play live twice this season and they lost both times (Illinois and Michigan). However, both those games were on the road against good teams, and Dee Brown was frieking on fire for Illinois.

2. Duke-As much as I hate to admit it, they are really, really good. In fact, they're probably only #2 out of spite. Hey J.J., why don't you either 1) stop looking like you should suck, but still dominate, or 2) go straight to hell.

3. Texas-Really coming on strong now. They will be tough for anyone to beat with Aldredge dominating like he is.

4. Gonzaga-This is the first year that I've really been sold on the Zags. They've played a brutal schedule and have held-up very well. Plus, they have Adam Morrison who just kicks so much ass, it's unreal. Ravio is an awesome ballhandler and they have a good big man in Batista.

5. Villanovia-I realize this is a bit of a reach and all hinges on whether or not Curtis Sumpter comes back and is the player he was last year. If he doesn't, then they likely won't get past the second round. However, their guards are unmatched in the country, and he is awesome. If he comes back and plays well, watch out.

Others I really like (in no particular order)

-Illinois
-Indiana
-UConn (although I'm getting the "huge upset" vibe here for some reason).

MP

Look Warriors, I know things aren't going that great out there in Golden State. First of all I'd be pissed if my team didn't have a city or a state in its name. How about Bay Area, or Oakland, or something. You are 19-21, underachieving and have locker room problems. Mike Dunleavy hates Baron Davis and Monte isn't the most popular guy either. So I propose this: Fire Mike Montgomery and let him coach the Nebraska basketball team. Let Mario Elie take over and everything will be alright.

JT

And I Thought I Was A Loser

Well I waste my share of time on the internet, but not as much as these guys. Now I know urinals are important in today's modern world, but c'mon, a whole web site? I'm more of a trough guy, so maybe that's where we differ, but please, go help humanity or post some funny pictures of shit on the internet or something, enough with the toilets.

JT

Jamie's Top Five Lincoln Restaurants

Check out our friend Steve's site eatininlincoln.com to find the most honest and best restaurant reviews in the Capital City. He and Sarah's take on the top 5 eateries in town inspired me to come up with my own list.

Dinner
1. The Dish- The most elegant restaurant not in the Cornhusker, the Dish offers a menu of American Fusion food. Great steaks, wonderful appetizers and an ecclectic mixture of other dishes makes the Dish a great bet. Try the crab dip, the Steak Pomme Frites and any of their super desserts.
2. The Oven
3. The Venue
4. Misty's
5. House of Hunan- 48th and Leighton

Lunch
1. Duggan's Pub
2. D'Leons
3. Fred and Ruby's (Inside Parkway Lanes)
4. Bison Witches
5. Maggie's

Hidden Gems
1. El Sitio
2. Highway Diner (Just for Fries)
3. Oso Burrito
4. The Watering Hole
5. Rolling Wok

JT

ORTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kyle Orton had a good year with wins, bad year with numbers. Although he only lost one game he lost his starting job to All-World (at least for Chicago) Rex Grossman. Apparently he just had to party after the Bears got rocked by the Panthers. There are two things I find hilarious about this picture. First, Orton is dancing by himself in a club. You're an NFL QB Kyle, you should have girls hanging all over you. Secondly, he has an entire bottle of Clicquot and he's drinking it by himself. That stuff is about $50 a pop and he's just slamming it in a club.

Well Bears, you had all better start drinking way more, because the Vikings are going to inflict some serious pain on you next year.

Thanks Collegehumor.com for the pic

JT

Get that gator out of my yard

I just finished watching a show about these guys that catch alligators in residential neighborhoods in Florida. Two things struck me about this.

One- I didn't know that the Fish and Wildlife Commission was the most powerful agency in Florida even more so than the FBI or DEA. I'm not legal savvy, but I think it has something to do with the fact that they can enter anyone's house if they think they are a poacher without any warrant or anything and can go on anyone's property to take care of business.

Two- There are a lot of people in Florida who didn't think about the fact that there are 1.5 million gators in the state and they proceed to build houses on lakes. Then this lady was interviewed saying how every time her kids went in the backyard to play, this gator would be close by in the lake. Well, maybe you shouldn't put your kid's swing 15 feet away from a lake with no barrier, you moron.

Now, I am really, really afraid of alligators. Those things are fast and just plain scary looking. However, I say, if you decide to move in an area that obviously is a place gators might hang you, it's your own damn fault if you get eaten. Leave the gators there. They didn't just walk into your living room and kick you out to have you killed and sold for meat and skin. You don't move to the top lip of a volcano and then complain about the heat.

J.H. Naners

P.S. Gators aren't that intimidating to most Nebraskans.

I've Got Your Back Bill Simmons

Just in case you haven't heard, Isiah Thomas threatened ESPN Columnist and perhaps the funniest man in the world Bill Simmons. During an interview with Stephan A Smith (At the end of the day, Ra-sho Nesterovic) Isiah said, "Oh, there'd be a problem. And I'm gonna tell you, if I see this guy Bill Simmons, oh it's gonna be a problem with me and him." Why is Isiah threatening a Bullet Tooth Tony style beatdown of Simmons? Because Simmons wrote that Isiah is a bad GM and was a bad coach. Well hell, Marcus Allen and Dan Fouts could have told you that Isiah! I'm not sure what you want him to write Zeke, you have taken a franchise that was down and you buried it deeper than Billy Batts in Goodfellas. You signed Jerome James to a five year $30 million deal, and he is averaging 3.4 points, 2.5 rebounds and 10.4 minutes this year. Have fun trying to move that contract. This is only one of the terrible moves that you have made.

Anyway, don't worry about it Bill, we here at Awesome INC will watch out for you.

Just be careful, I heard he likes to sweep the legAnd if he's with this guy, just run the other way.

New ESPN.com setup

What do I think about it? The new page setup will take some getting used to, but it definately is fancier and more futuristic. As long as it's easy to get to page 2 and Bill Simmons column I'll be happy.

Check this out though. A look back at what ESPN.com (or ESPNET.sportszone.com) has looked like over the past 10 years. Wow I'm getting so old. It is encouraging to see how far the internet has come since I was 14. What the hell will be going on in 2016? I know, I know, hot robots who clean the house, projects sports from a camera in her eye, and cooks (if we aren't eating our food in pill form by then).

JT

Links of the Week

I waste a lot of time looking at websites with funny links, you shouldn't have to. Instead of killing four hours jacking around on the internet I will distill the best of the best for you every week. Tell your boss or professors to thank me.

I thought Clayton Bigsby was a fictional character: guess not.

I wonder why this never came to a theater in this Lincoln?

I'm working on my dissertation on this subject.

I've been wondering what those fuckers were saying...

I wonder if this kid is the Pokemon master yet...

Night of the Twisters pretty much freaked me out when I was a kid, it probably looked something like this.

This guy drops like a plinko chip. Come on DOWN

Sometimes I kind of wish we would have lost the Revolutionary War...HERE

Yep, the terrorists are in BIG trouble.

I'm inviting this kid to my next party...

I could seriously watch this all day, I am actually thinking about converting to whatever religion this guy belongs to.

Exhibit A: Japanese people are crazy (crazy like a fox)What would happen if they put Stomp around those girls?

A clip from one of the best shows on TV, "The Soup." Ain't nobody humpin around in this clip.

Apparently these pics are going to be everywhere soon. See them before your friends, unless these guys are your friends then you've already seen them, and I feel very very sorry for you.

Thanks to all the sites, keep up the good work.

Seriously Oregon, What the Hell is Going On?

I've never been to Oregon, but I've always had a good impression of the state. I picture natural beauty, the ocean, Lewis and Clark, Portland "The Rose City," and the Columbia river. I don't usually picture people wearing crazy freak clothes. I'm not even talking about all the hippies out there, that's cool, they are much better dressed than people with a connection to the Oregon Ducks. I know Nike pays you guys a lot of money, but you can say, "You know what Phil Knight, I think we're going to pass on that crazy storm trooper mustard colored uniforms, can you show me something not totally insane?" I wasn't bothered by your whining about not being in the BCS because Notre Dame was overrated and you should have been there. But did you seriously think that you, Oregon, could beat a team dressed in classic, tough, non-ugly uniform like Oklahoma? Of course your quarterback threw a pick on the game-winning drive, he was wearing this! Everyone in the world knows that green and yellow is the worst color combo in history, yet you put as much of these two colors in your uni's as possible. The basketball uniforms are nothing to be happy about either.

Maybe since your campus looks like this you guys feel like you need to inject some ugliness into your lives. But please knock it off, it hurts my eyes to watch you on tv.

JT

More on Oregon's uniform woes can be found on ESPN.com where Paul Lukas' writes brilliantly on all aspects of uniforms. Also thanks to him for the Oregon band picture.

PS: Apparently the band uniforms have numbers on the back, just like the players.

An Exact Voice Match

Alright, I'm back from my leave a little early, but this is important stuff. I'm watching the Texas A&M at Oklahoma State hoops game on ESPN2 and If I didn't know the annoucer was Steve Bardo I would swear I was listenting to the legendary Humpty of Digital Underground. Shock-G's big nosed character is freaking awesome anyway you cut it. And that video with Tupac skipping around in the background. Anyway, .... sounds just like him. Next time he does a game take a listen and judge for yourself. Also, you might want to take a gander at the mythic Tony Batista/Carson Daly phenomena. You might call me crazy (but you'd be wrong) but these two guys are only a little melanin away from being the same person. We just need to see if Carson Daly hits like this.

JT (And no Humpty, I've never "got busy" here)

BBL editor's note - The announcer is Steve Bardo, who played on the awesome Illini teams back in the late 80's. Not sure where he'll be next, but sounds like he's a must listen!

A Personal Leave of Absence

I regret to announce that my posts will be appearing fewer and farther between in the coming months. Sadly, my life is going to look a lot like fellow Awesome Inc. poster MP. 30 hours of work a week, that's just crazy. Can't you people get enough of Lewis and Clark secondary sources on the internet? That is in addition to 6 hours of grad level classes. One class has 18 books, EIGHTEEN BOOKS. That is totally insane. Due to this heavy courseload and workload I must taper off the writing for a bit, but don't worry, I will chime in every once in a while with a tidbit here and there. Until then, stay strong.

JT (I'll probably look a little something like this after all this work)

The state of SNL

Saturday Night Live has been around for over a quarter of a century now and has certainly gone through its ups and downs, but I have to think that right now is as low as it has ever been. Ever since the group of Sandler, Farley, Spade, Hartman, Myers, and Carvey left it had been carried very well by pretty much one man: Will Ferrell.

Well Ferrell has since left to star in two of the best movies of all-time: Old School and Anchorman. So it was a great move for him, but left SNL in a heap of trouble. They have yet to find somebody to play President Bush as well as Ferrell did and it seems as if the writing has taken a steep downturn as well. Maybe SNL needs the next election to get back into a groove, but that's two years away still. There is still some talent left on the show with UCB founder Amy Poehler, long-time SNL writer and news co-host Tina Fey, Chris Parnell, and new featured player Andy Samberg, but that is not enough to make up for the huge void left by Ferrell and those greats before him. A new crop of greats will come along again I'm sure, but for now SNL is in quite a slump that may last for a while. Although it's been a down time for the Not-ready-for-Primetime Players, here's a bright spot from Parnell and Samberg. More of this comic genius and SNL could be right back near the top sooner rather later.



"Lazy Sunday - Chronicles of Narnia Rap"

BBL

You Were My Boy Blue

Awesome Inc. learned some tragic news late tonight apparently world famous character actor Patrick Cranshaw passed away December 28 at the age of 86. Some of you might remember Cranshaw as "Blue" from Old School. Yet his career was not restricted to that classic film. Mr. Cranshaw also appeared in Bonnie and Clyde, Best in Show, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and most notably Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. His last role came in Air Buddies, he appeared in the entire Air Bud saga. He even showed up in JH Naners favorite film, Nothing to Lose.

He was also a frequent contributer to great tv shows including: The Norm Show, 7th Heaven, Monk, Boy Meets World, Suddenly Susan, Coach, Married With Children, Night Court, Perfect Strangers...actually it looks like he's been on every great sitcom ever made.

Blue was an awesome character who made us all laugh, and will make us laugh in the future because his films will live on. But Cranshaw was absolutely everywhere in his career. I congratulate him on his awesome life and hope he rests in peace.

"All we are is dust in the wind."

Build me a better supporting cast or I'm out of here!

Alright, I love sports and I love trades, but athletes are starting a trend that I'm not happy with. Demanding trades.

Guess what, Miguel Tejada? When you left a contending Oakland team to sign with shitty Baltimore, you should have known you weren't going to be on a great team. When the Orioles have to give you a large percentage of its payroll to get you, it's going to be harder to get a good supporting cast around you.

When you sign a contract to play with a team, you need to not be an ass and stir up the clubhouse by demanding a trade. Tejada probably could have survived on $7 million a year or whatever Oakland could have afforded to pay him, but you wanted bigger money. That's fine. There is nothing wrong with wanting more money if someone will give it to you, but then you need to lay in the bed you chose. Have the forsight to understand that you're going to a team with Sidney Ponson as their ace. Of course, you're not going to be very good.

My office has only two marginally good looking women in it, but you don't see me asking to be traded to the Tempe branch, do you? Nope, I'll take my free cable and like it.

Now Tejada says he doesn't want to be traded. What the hell? Were you just trying to waste hours of trade discussions and hard work from executives? Or maybe he's just tired of Baltimore's high std rates. Regardless, if you really want the Orioles to get better, restructure your contract so your making less than $10 million a year so a decent pitcher can be signed. Otherwise, just play and shut up.

J.H. Naners

Food Network is Full of Hotties!!!!!!

Somehow Food Network has managed to put together a full stable of hotties in the kitchen without me noticing it. It all started with Rachel Ray and 30 Minute Meals. Some people think she's hot and some people (me) think she's super hot. Then she went in posed in FHM and things just got out of control. Then along came Giada De Laurentiis of Everyday Italian. Holy crap, not only does she have the single hottest name in the history of humanity, she is also gorgeous. Finally Sandra Lee started her show Semi-Homemade Cooking. Tall blonde and a great cook = hell yes. Sandra is a super hot too.

I compare this phenomena to the breakout of hot newsanchors on CNN Headline News (Sans Nancy Grace) (I love you Rudi Bakhtiar).

I don't know how or why this happened, but it's awesome. Keep up the good work ladies, I like you all, but let's see who the readers think is the best. And I don't want you readers to go off looks alone, take into account cooking also!

Food Networks HOT Chefs

Who's the Hottest Food Network Hostess? Giada De Laurentiis of "Everyday Italian" Rachel Ray of "30 Minute Meals" Sandra Lee of "Semi-Homemade Cooking" view results

I Love Jenna Jameson, but......

When I first saw this (NSFW!!!!!)I thought it was kind of sexy, but then I thought it was also kind of pervertadly disturbing. It's Jenna Jameson's "Virtual Jenna" game. Now I didn't pay the $9.95 that it would take to play the full game (didn't think the old lady would like that on the credit card bill) and I didn't download it for fear of getting some virus, either in my computer or an STD. It's kind of hot to see a naked 3D computer Jenna jiggling around in the preview, but then when that 3D guy starts nailing her with his strangly inanimate area it really creeped me out. Then she starts getting railed in the cooch with a bodiless dildo that is just floating in the air!!! Then, even stranger, the dildo decides her puss isn't good enough and starts firing in and out of her eh-hem, backside. Thankfully Jenna gets away from that dude and the flying dildo and starts getting it on with some hot computer chick. Well I thought this was pretty sweet too for a little bit but then I got to thinking, it's all guys buying this masterpiece, so it would be a guy controlling the girl dropping on Jenna, so it's like the guy is playing a girl going down on a girl. That's just really crazy and I can't decide if it's really hot or downright perturbing. So anyway, all you guys and girls go and check this out, hopefully I don't put myself in a mental institution trying to figure out if this is incredibly sexy or incredibly grotesque. Your input is needed.

Keep up the good work Jenna, you are to porn what Herve was to being awesome.

JT

NCAA Old Man Reivewers Suck

Instant replay kicks ass, that's a simple fact. Nothing sucks worse than losing a game because a referee missed a tough call. So now we have a system in the NCAA where a couple guys up in a booth get to look at every play and decide whether to stop the action on the field and review the call. Sounds great doesn't it? A foolproof system, right? WRONG. Too often the replay officials choose the wrong plays to review. Plays that are obviously called correctly on the field are reviewed, plays that clearly are called incorrectly on the field are missed. I don't know about you, but I can tell what the call of the play should have been after two replays 95% of the time. So you figure looking at two replays takes ten seconds, maybe the officials on the field are just spotting the ball and there would be plenty of time for the booth to stop the next play. Nope, too many plays are missed. Why? because old guys suck at technology. It is a fact of life. Proof of this can be found at any airport. Put any guy over 45 at one of those computerized check-in stand at the airline's counter and watch confusion reign. They are just getting their transaction times at the ATM under 10 minutes and don't even try to get them to do anything on the computer by themselves. So why would we think that they would be able to watch a moniter and page an official on the field? There wasn't even replay when these guys were born!!!!!! Here are my suggestions for improving NCAA College Football Instant Replay:

-No more guys over 40 in the replay box.
-Have something other than a stupid pager to stop the refs on the field. I recommend somthing like this. Nobody would snap the ball if a sweet foghorn would be blowing.
-Be faster, this could be all about getting rid of the old guys, but it really only takes one or two looks to know what the call should be.
-Stop having crappy refs on the field. I've seen good reffing before and I saw a lot of bad reffing this year (I'm looking at you Steve Usechek!).

Or you could just put me in charge of the whole thing. I would take care of business.

JT For some reason I think this is really funny. Maybe it's because the kid turned some girl's occupation on MySpace from student to slut. Or maybe because he is using Dr. Phil's voice and I don't realize it until about half-way through. Whatever the case it is certainly pure gold.

Thanks to BBL for inspiration on this post.

Tiny Shrink Wrapped Euro Man Balls

Yeah, I've seen enough Euro Man Balls in tiny, tiny Speedos for 2006 already. Unfortuately the gorgeous beaches of Anguilla were partly marred by too many Euros sporting their Speedos. I just don't get this. First of all why are Euros so out of shape? Granted I was Academic All-Region NAIA Tennis and still retain my chisled figure. But seriously these guys all had their pot bellies hanging over their miniscule swimsuits. So that wasn't too great, but the whole trip was outstanding. Maybe I'll get around to posting some pics of me on the trip...if you ladies out there can refrain from trying to break up my marriage. After 15 1/2 hours of air travel today I'm not much for writing a long article, but stay tuned in the next few days for many more posts which I thought up in one of the myriad of airports I was at today. So to sum up this post, wear bigger swimsuits European men; and keep up the good work European women.

JT

Thanks, Car Dealers!

"The price you see is the price you pay. Not a penny more."

Wow, what a fantastic offer! I wish more places charged exactly what they say they are charging.

If there's anything that should spearhead an advertising campaign, it is that. "Yeah, we're not really giving you a sale or anything. We're just charging you what we say we're charging you and you're going to like it."

No more paying extra money for rustproofing!! Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

J.H. Naners