Stop sucking so much ESPN

In case you haven't noticed, ESPN, or should I say E"SC"N has become completly unwatchable of late. Their obsession with all things "USC" is beyond tired. Seriously, take nothing away from the 2005 Trojans, they are a great team and Reggie Bush is a fantastic talent, but they are far from being one of the best teams of all time. As a general rule, when you give-up 42 points to anyone at home, let alone Fresno frieking State, you are not even close to being one the best teams of all times. That doesn't stop ESPN, though, with their ridiculous countdown of how the "best teams ever" would compare to this year's Trojans. Now, you may be wondering, "MP, why is "best teams ever" in quotes??? Well the reason for that is that any list of "best teams ever" which includes '94 Penn St. (who didn't even win a national championship), '97 Michigan (who only split a national title and would have been frieking killed by the Huskers), and '02 Ohio St. (who needed a miracle to beat god damn Purdue) is comical.

As a side note, Mark May is such an uninformed tool, his presence on that network is reason alone to stay far, far away. Just because he would go down on any member of the current USC squad doesn't make him a good analyst. Mix-in Lou "I put every school I ever coached at on probation" Holtz, and you have one shitty, shitty college football show.

More ESPN "gems":

-Cold Pizza: Someone actually had to say "you know, I think it would be a great idea to have Skip Bayless AND Woody Paige on t.v. at the same time, that would be great!" That person should have been shot on the spot. The only redeeming value to that horrific piece of crap show is that it's 1/2 over by the time I wake-up.

-30 in 30 updates: For Christ's sake, people with fucking amnesia think this thing gets old.

-Stuart Scott (by the way, it was a good thing Zachary BROWN made that gave-saving tackle for the Huskers last night. Otherwise, that would surely have been tough on MIKE Callahan).

-Making you pay for an "Insider" subscription to read any goddamn thing on their godforsaken "website."

MP's Rose Bowl prediction:

USC-27

Non-USC-31

MP

P.S. Go here for 52 hilarious reasons why ESPN sucks: http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/

I'm Outta Here Suckers

See you later cold, windy, wet Nebraska. Hello sunny, warm, beachy Anguilla. The only downside to this trip will be missing the Nextel and Bud Light commercials for seven days. But duty calls, it's about this time of year when me and all the other celebs make our trip to the island. Hopefully I can lay around in the sun and not be bothered by all the hobnobbing I usually have to engage in. When I hang out in Anguilla my phone just rings off the hook, "Hey Jamie, Robert DeNiro here, wanted have a 'little bit' of dinner?" or "Yo, it's hot out herr, let's go snorkling," from Nelly. I just want some privacy all right celebrities? Maybe we can watch the USC/Texas National Title Game (USC in a rout by the way)over at my place, but that's it. I know I am part of the best blog on the internet, but that doesn't mean I'm available for your every beck and call. And paparazzi? You'd better not try to take topless pictures of me or I'll have your ass, and I might just do something terrible to myself.

Oh well, I guess it will be better than trying to avoid the media hordes that invade my privacy here in Nebraska.

JT (Nebraska 36 Michigan 16: I saw it in a dream two nights ago)

Christmas Time Is Here

Yep, it's the Christmas season and you know what that means, time to go to the bars and see all the kids that were too cool to stay in Lincoln for school. Yeah they got to go to nice schools, and yeah now they have sweet jobs in some big city. When you are between jobs like me this can get a little annoying, but then I console myself with that $8.57 we've earned with advertising for this blog so far. What's that? You want to know what I got the ol' lady for Christmas? Well here it is, I figure she will look pretty sexy. And if I wear my tuxedo shirt it will be doubly awesome.

Time to do some cooking and watch some football, hopefully they play the Nextel "Push It" commercial about 5,000 times so I can laugh 5,000 times.

JT (Please Baby Jesus, help the Vikings beat the Ravens, and make world peace too.)

Xmas Eve Free Money

Just in case you don't have the cash to buy all your Christmas presents here are some picks so you can remedy that situation quickly:

Green Bay +6.5 Chicago: Mike Tice sent Brett Favre a fruitcake, stop sucking for one game Packers and help out the beloved Vikings.

Houston +6 JVille: The Jags can't beat anyone big, including the Texans who Dan Reeves is going to turn into a juggernaut, costing them Reggie Bush.

And as always, pick the Vikings no matter what the points say. They are a team of destiny.

If these picks don't all win, then you can get some free Christmas joy by clicking here and watching "Lazy Sunday," with Parnell and Samberg.

Mr. Pibb and Red Vines = Crazy Delicious

Red Sox Newspapers are Dumb

I'm usually a fan of the Boston Globe, but today I think they are crazy. If you haven't heard Johnny Damon signed with the hated Yankees for four years and $52 Million bucks. If my math is correct that is $13 Mill/year. That is just too much money for Johnny Damon.

Now don't get me wrong, Damon is a solid .360 OBP guy who will get you some bags and score a lot of runs, especially with the Yankees and Red Sox, but he is 32 years old. I know this isn't the NFL where signing anyone over 30 not named Pat Williams is a bad move, but $12 Mill a year for a no armed centerfielder? Bernie Williams has a canon compared to "Johnny Angel." Would it be so bad if the Yanks gave Bubba Crosby a chance? He wasn't great in 76 games last year (.276, .304. .327) but that's usually what happens when you only let a younger guy play 76 games. Crosby is 29 so he's going to be too old too pretty soon.

I suppose if you are the Yankees, and spending crazy amounts of money on players never comes back to bite you in the ass then there's no problem. But by signing free agents you do another thing, you forfeit 1st round picks, and eventually that will catch up with them. Their farm system is already depleted (24th in Baseball America Rankings) and without prospects it's tough to make big trades in the stretch run. So, I hope this works out for you Yankees, goodness knows I wouldn't have make the move. And Sox fans, relax, I know you have a lot of holes to fill (CF, SS, 1B), but there is time before the season starts and you will come up with something. While you guys lost a pretty good player, by far the most crushing blow to Boston is the loss of this.

JT (Stay tuned for our salute to Christmas!!!!)

By the way, how the hell do the Royals have the third worst farm system in baseball? What the hell have you been doing with this string of top five picks Allaird Baird? Time to start drafting more guys like the Hammer!!!

Running Backs are Overrated

I've been thinking about this for awhile and have decided that running backs are overrated as individuals. Now, I'm not saying that running backs are overrated as a position, b/c obviously a team has to be successful on the ground to be successul in the win column.

However, with the exception of players like LT and Barry Sanders who are so athletic that they didn't need a good offensive line, it really is mostly about the offensive line and blocking schemes, including a good fullback.

Of course some running backs are better and will be more productive than others b/c of their quickness, power, etc, but I don't think Denver has just had a lucky string of good running backs for a long time.

Look at Ahman Green. Coming into this year he was supposedly an elite running back, but the Packers lost two of their best offensive lineman to free agency and one to injury. All of a sudden, he can't do anything. But, since so many people can play running back well, Najeh Davenport and Samkon Gado pretty much come in and cause nothing to be lost in the running game.

Here's some more guys this year that have come in from nowhere and been pretty much as effective as the "good" starters: Chester Taylor, Jonathan Wells, Ryan Moats, Willie Parker, Cedric Houston, Greg Jones, Artrose Pinner, Marion Barber.

Even LT's replacement broke the biggest play of the game in Chargers win and was averaging over 4 yards per carry in the game before that run.

Just an observation.

J.H. Naners

The NEW Heavyweight Champion of the WORLD!!!!!!!

A FUCKING BEAR. Yep Nicolay Valuev defeated John Ruiz (the most boring fighter ever)last night to become the tallest (7') and heaviest (325 lbs) champion ever. Now I don't follow the heavyweight division, I'm more about the sweet Jermaine Taylor/ Bernard Hopkins rematch, but now I'm going to have to start watching the heavyweights because a damn grizzly bear is the new champ. Nobobdy knows who Valuev will fight next, perhaps the remaining Klitcko, or maybe Iron Mike. How funny would it be for Iron Mike to fight a 7' giant? He would get frustrated and bite the guy in the stomach.

So all hail the new champ, and here's to a better future for the heavyweight division. "I must break you."

JT (I tried to talk BBL out of getting a Bob Sagat tattoo, but he just loves the guy.)

Mike Dunleavy's Double Life

I don't know how this guy does it, he must just be the man. Mike Dunleavy has managed to lead the Clippers, yep those Clippers, to a surprising start AND star in some classic films. Seabiscuit, Muholland Falls, Leaving Las Vegas, The Rocketeer, Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise, Youngblood, in fact he's been dominating the silver screen since 1972. Needless to say his appearence in the original The Longest Yard is legendary. I always thought he was going to pull a rifle out from under the bench and blast Marco Jaric like he almost did to Burt Reynolds. Keep up the good work Mike.

JT (My Wedding was totally fucking rad)

SCHOOL'S OUT FOR......three weeks

Yeah I know I'm still in college, and yeah I know I'm twenty-five, but you know what? Fuck you. At least I'm in grad school making a real difference in the world; you see I preserve this nation's history, specifically late 19th Century Nebraska history, and what is more important than that?


But I just finished a 27-page paper and now it's time for things to get crazy. Who knows what is going to happen

The Ol' Lady Works the Third Shift at an Armor Factory

tonight? All I know is that the old lady works till 7AM and I am free. Hell I could do anything!!!! All I'm saying is that if you don't see any posts from JT over the next couple days you will know one of two things happened. A) I went to the boats and won so much money that I am moving to South America or B)I stayed home, watched the Celtics game and then went to bed early.

Either way it's sure to kick ass.

JT (I always got uncomfortable when Naners, my old roommate, would wear this around the house.)

I've Had Enough Creighton

Let me start off by saying Nebraska is not a good basketball team, I know that, and all the Nebraska fans know that. I am not here to brag or boast or whine about anything, but I heard a caller on the Matt Perault show on Big Sports 590 AM that demands an answer. This guy said he was a huge Jays fan, and if Creighton had a football he would definately root for them, but since there is no Creighton football team he cheers for Nebraska. He claimed that if Creighton would have kept their football team they would be like Boston College. This is simply not acceptable. He is stupid on some many levels the only way I can counter it is with a list.

-There is a big difference between Creighton and Boston College. For one, BC had good football teams pre-WWII, including a 1940 Sugar Bowl berth. Creighton's biggest rival was Tulsa. This was before CU decided to go generic with their nickname, back then they were the Hilltoppers. Just like the Yankees, except easier to hate.

-CU's team folded in 1942 and even though the players who returned from the war were willing to play without scholarships, the school still declined to field a team. Nice college guys!!!

-You DO have a football team Creighton!!! You have you're homecoming at a soccer game. It's absolutely perfect for your school. Boring, dangerous (for fans) and none of the guys ever score. On a sidenote how do you have a school where every guy pops his collar? Shouldn't that be illegal?

-Most importantly, you cannot cheer for the University of Nebraska in one sport and then cheer against them in another sport. You are the type of people who, in WWI, would cheer for the US Army, but since you really like U-Boats, and the US didn't have any, would cheer for the German navy. Cheer for the Huskers and be loyal to the State school or don't cheer for them at all. We are not intersted in having someone who hates Nebraska basketball be a fan of our football team.

-I would really like to see if you Creighton fans were going to Aksarban or the Civic or whatever crappy barn you used to play in when NU was going to dance every year? Where you really that big of a Creighton fan when Tony Baroni was running the show?

-How does that 1905 Asskicking taste Creighton? NU 128 CU 0!!!!! (In real football)

Recently Creighton offered a tour of downtown Omaha in it's new science wing.

JT (I just can't understand why Naners used this as his senior picture)

Will Christmas survive?

Why are people getting so pissed off that the word "holiday" is being used instead of "christmas"? Do Jerry Falwell and the American Family Association have nothing better to do than start a petition that over 300,000 people have signed saying they are boycotting Target (Who also happens to sell Red Devil vacuums. That doesn't seem very Christian) b/c they don't use the word Christmas in their stores? I guess that is a lot more dangerous than all the irresponsible parenting, physical and emotional abuse, and the slew of other problems that families experience.

Yep, gays and the continued horrid oppression that Christians face every day in our society really are our biggest problems. It's about time Christians fought back.

Is it kind of dumb that people are calling Christmas trees holiday trees? Yeah, probably. But this country is obsessed with trying to mask its deep seeded divisions by being overly politically correct (or occasionally not) as a denial tool.

So if Christmas is so sacred and special to Christians than why doesn't the commercialization of the holiday have people up in arms? I don't see God fearing people complaining that Christmas day is one of the biggest days of the year at the movie box office. I don't think people seeing King Kong on December 25th this year are contributing to celebrating the birth of Jesus.

I'm sure there are some people that actually do observe the holiday for its significance to their religious belief, but I guarantee that a load of people and probably the majority of those who signed that petition care more about getting the day off from work and spend more time shopping for gifts than observing its meaning.

Bottom line, this is just something else that hypocrits can moan about and blame on liberals for ruining the fabric of our society. Seriously, find another cause more important to rally around. Lord knows there are millions of them.

J.H. Naners

Finally Something for the Guys

Nearly every post on Awesome Inc. has been written primarily for the ladies in the house. Well, I decided that it might be time to do something for the gentlemen, and that is to discuss girls making out. There is really no way to explain how awesome girls making out is, it just is. Now maybe I was just too young, but I don't seem to remember girls making out as much in the eighties. Supposedly the first girl on girl kiss appeared on a 1991 episode of LA Law, and girls making out has been going strong ever since. Nowadays girls are making out everywhere, from sitcoms to movies to many of our finer college parties. I just want to thank goodness that I live in a time where girls making out is so prevalent in our culture. And as much as I hate the Braves, you've gotta admire Andruw Jones and his love of "good lesbian action."

JT Goat = Me, Pig = Anyone who doesn't like girls making out. Ducks = World Peace (it's symbolism)

Oh what the hell one more!!!!!!!!!!

Great and Terrible ad campaigns

Like it or not, we all see about a trillion ads a day in these times. From Sportscenter segments having a sponsor to the sides of buses we are engulfed in advertising. Now I think it is out of hand, but at least some advertisers go to lengths to be funny or clever. Now I'm sure I'll be leaving out many, but here are some of the current advertising campaigns that are good and bad.

The Good

Miller Lite- Miller has been doling out the good stuff for at least a couple of years now. It started with the refs throwing penalties at beers with less taste and has evolved into the current court room ads. Oh, no they didn't! I still hate the taste of beer, but will condone the hilarity. Props to the new Bud Light commercial with the guy staying two minutes late on a Friday, too.

Sonic- The two guys bantering about trash talk and flaming mushrooms are funny. Mostly b/c I could see myself talking about stupid stuff like this. The Seinfeld of commercials perhaps.

Sportscenter ads- They aren't coming as frequently as they used to but when they do, they are still really funny. From Evander Holyfield tossing the Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket to give Steiner his whoopin' to Scott Van Pelt using a performance enhancing thesaurus (unhand me, rapscallion!) these ads rarely disappoint.

The brand new Nike Lebron campaign- I just started seeing these tonight, but these look mighty promising. When Lebron is dressed up as a senior citizen and recalling his high school championship game, you can't go wrong.

The new Snickers ads- Particularly the one where the guy is bald and uses a bunch of snickers to hide it. Doesn't make much sense, but it's funny.

Of course I'll throw in BBL's favorite commercial of all time- the Nextel "push it" commercial. Also, I think it's Nextel or Sprint with the two guys arguing about a BLT and whether bread is implied in the initials.

Here is that awesome commercial for those who haven't seen it:


(Just click stop after the commercial's done. I haven't figured out how to stop it from continuing on with the playlist.)
BBL

The bad

Anything by McDonalds- They try to be hip and cool and fail miserably. You're not fooling anyone, McDonalds. Everyone knows that you are cheap, relatively bad food that a trillion people are going to eat everyday. Worst of the worst- the McGriddles rap. Sweet Griddlecakes!

Any and all SUV commercials. Okay, we get it. You'r big and tough shit b/c you drive around in the middle of nowhere and get 12 mpg while doing it. First of all, 98% of people who buy SUVs don't do that stuff and yet 98% of the ads feature that lifestyle.

The Coors light campaign- The Coldest tasting beer? Cold isn't a taste. Probably created by a CU alum.

I'm sure there are a ton more, but I just thought of these off the top of my head, so feel free to contribute your likes and dislikes in the advertising world.

J.H. Naners

Egg Nog: Greatest Mystery in the World

I despise eggnog. It tastes absolutely terrible. I can't even describe that nasty aftertaste that makes me want to gag. There are raw eggs in it for Christsakes. That being said, I love those eggnog shakes at McDonalds, and I love eggnog ice cream. So what gives? Can anyone explain this? I like the flavor of eggnog, but not eggnog itself.

Evidently this girl likes eggnog (This came up when I searched for an image of "egg nog") It's hard to argue with her reasoning. All the Trekkies out there like it because of this. But I just can't bring myself to like it. Alright eggnog, here's the deal. If you are served to me like this, and Gene from The Match Game was making funny jokes like this (Go down to highlights) and perhaps if I dropped about a pound of acid and started seeing things like this I would consider liking egg nog. Until then, no dice.

JT

Hall of Fame....Hall of F'ing Terrible

Today on Hall of Fame...Hall of F'ing Terrible we celebrate/denigrate two of America's greatest/worst natural resources: Vegas Porn Card Guys and Sean Hannity. Now some might ask, well JT, who is going in which Hall? My friend, if you have to ask that question you might be on more crack than that Boulder journalist chronicled in an earlier post.

Hall of Fame: What sound do you think of when you think of Las Vegas? The sonorous, computerized beeping of a slot machine that beckons eagar players to feed it dollars, quarters, nickels and yes, even pennies? How about the roar of the craps table? The cheer at the sports book after a walkon at Western Illinois decides to make a meaninless half-court shot at the buzzer to get within 28 of Duke, and cover the spread? The first thing that should come to your mind is clicking. If you close your eyes while you walk down Las Vegas Boulevard you are transported to a rustic farmhouse, you hear crickets chirping their melodious refrains. In Vegas, however, the crickets hand out baseball cards with hookers on them. Our Mexican friends line the streets clicking their cards in their hands (they are not allowed to talk) trying to get your attention so they can provide with the phone numbers and prices of girls waiting to pleasure you. (3 for $99?!!? That's a steal!!!) In a way the card-clickers are like the blue angels, you have to walk through a gauntlet of them, and you would swear that you are going to run into one of them, but they manage to get out of the way just in time to avoid contact. Next time you go to Vegas try collecting the cards, it's really fun to have the whole set in your bag, ask your wife clean out said bag and let hilarity ensue. I salute you porn card guys, you stand out in 120 degree heat handing out porn cards to anyone and everyone, including grandmas and married Asian tourists. You are now forever immortalized in the Hall of Fame.

Hall of F'ing Terrible: Now on to a far less happy topic. Sean Hannity is not a journalist, not a writer, not an expert on anything. He's a Prep School Boy who also happens to be a college dropout. When he worked at a radio station in Santa Barbara he said, "Anyone listening to this show that believes homosexuality is a normal lifestyle has been brainwashed. It's very dangerous (as opposed to a war) if we start accepting lower and lower forms of behavior as the normal." The station let him go, but he regained his job with the help of those leftist commie bastards at the ACLU. I myself am against all myopics who think their side is right on every issue, and Hannity certainly fits the bill. Perhaps the most disturbing thing about this man, besides the fact that he is kind of creepy looking, is that he was inspired to become a talk radio douche because of the Iran/Contra Affair and the media's unfair treatment of that statue of morality, Ollie North. Just a weird weird dude.

Come to think of it, I've only listened to Hannity a couple of mind-numbing times. I just can't take his drivel for extended periods, but he has provided me much joy via other people mocking him. The Colbert Report would not exist if not for people like Hannity. You know what Sean, you are lucky, for the first time in the long and storied tradition of the Hall of F'ing Terrible I am going to remove you from enshrinement. As long as people keep cracking on you and as long as that makes me laugh, and as long as you stay off the channels I watch, you can just chill outside the Hall, perhaps in our spacious botanical garden. Keep saying stupid stuff Sean, laughter makes the world go round.

This sucks, sucks, sucks

As everyone in Lincoln is surely aware, it's cold outside. I mean really frieking cold. Given that I'm 24 years old, and have lived here my entire life, you would think that I'd get used to this type of weather. However, that is simply not the case. The fact of the matter is, this sucks total ass.

Also, would it kill you to clear off the streets, Grandma?!?!? The fact that I am still not able to drive in a discernable lane on Hwy 2 two days after it has snowed less than an inch simply blows my mind. You would think that clearing streets would be one of the top priorities of any mayor. I mean, do people have any idea what the hell a mayor does other than tell the city workers to break-out the shovels and clear the roads?

You're on notice, Seng!!!!!!!!!!

MP

Shuffleboard, the Sport of Lunchladies and Drunks

Shuffleboard has been around since 1532, and it's been played at Bob's Tavern in Havelock, Nebraska for almost that long. This game has it all: skill, power, luck and beautiful people. There are over 1 millions shuffleboarders in the US and if you need more proof of the game's popularity look no further than HDNET, they broadcast the 4th Annual Shuffleboard Championships in Hi-Def. The real attraction of that show, and all shuffleboard is the man, nay, demi-God of Shuffleboard, Billy Mays. No, not this tool, this giant. It's been said, "Billy Mays is to shuffleboard what Michael Jordan was to basketball, what Ali was to the fight game, what Tiger is to golf. " He is a 27-time world champion! This guy is THE MAN. Joined the army at fifteen, was married and divorced four times before he was 21. To date he's been married 10 times because, "I just enjoyed married life." He's won 800 tournaments and sometimes cleared $500 K a year betting with people on shuffleboard. Anyway, if you haven't seen his trickshot act, you haven't really lived.

In summation, get in on the ground floor of shuffleboard, it's going to be the next darts.

Shuffleboard: The Classy Sport full of Nonstop Action

JT

Darts...The sport of kings!

So I'm sitting here at work, flipping through the channels (yes I can watch tv at work, so advantage me) , and I came across some of the best television programming known to man: Darts. Now most people know darts as a game pubgoers partake in between beers, drunken insults of your friends, and/or failed pickup attempts, but it is much more than that when you see it on tv. Firstly, the production value for the big events is like that of a WWE Wrestlemania with smoke, strobe lights, intro music, and a packed house full of crazy dart fans. That alone is enough to get me pumped up about watching some darts! But the excitement doesn't end there, oh no, because now here come some of the greatest athletes in the world to perform their craft!
Guys like Wayne "Hawaii 501" Mardle, Peter "One Dart" Manley, Canadian John "Darth Maple" Part, Colin "Jaws" Lloyd, Kevin "The Artist" Painter, and John "Flash" Dudbridge are just some of the crazy characters that make up the Proffessional Darts Corportion LTD, or just the PDC for those of us in the know. Their victory celebrations after big throws aren't creative like a T.O. or Chad Johnson end zone dances, but they are certainly humerous. Whether it be a fancy little jig or a primal scream combined with a double underhanded fist pump, these guys know how to show excitement. On a whole other level though is Phil "The Power*" Taylor. (*Yes that is "Power" tattooed on his arm) Far and away the best thower of the dart in history, "The Power" is not only a great dartsman, but a great showman as well. He gets the crowds on their feet with his entrance to Snap's "The Power" and a lovely lady on each arm.
Another reason that makes televised darts so great are the announcers, both on the stage and on the tube. The on-stage announcer is usually the incomparable Russ Bray, who informs the crowd of the scores after each round of throws and yells out the big scores. Three triple-20s gets a huge "180!!!!" and sends the crowd into oblivion. He's dart's version of Michael Buffer. The TV announcers are just as entertaining as they get as amped up as anybody over big throws. You'll hear at least a few "Brilliant!!"s and a "Miraculous!!" here and there in their heavy British accents. Just imagine the guys from the Guinness commercials doing dart play-by-play and you've got the official PDC announcers.
So there you have it America! Darts on television is awesome! If you've seen the spectacle already, then kudos to you. If you haven't, then get your ass in gear! It's on Fox Sports fairly regularly, but check your local listings for airtimes in your area. When you've seen what I'm talking about, come back and let us know what you thought of it. My prediction is that you'll go out and buy a dartboard just like we here at Awesome Inc. did.
Enjoy!
BBL

Rebuttal to that blasphemy

Ok , JT, we can all agree that morning DJ's are annoying and worthless. It's like MTV not showing videos. I want to listen to music, not giddy idiots. But I will not let you sing the praises of black licorice without calling you out.

Let's face it. If there's a tentacle of Awesome, Inc. that likes his candy, it's J.H. Naners. I mean, I really like candy. Among the best are Sour Patch Kids, Snickers, Twix, and of course, pretty much all things gummi. Black licorice is NOT good. In fact, there are only three candies I can think of that I don't like enough to eat for free if they were offered to me:

1. Circus Peanuts- Wow. No wonder people are afraid of clowns. Probably a subconscious fear due to these pieces of marshmallowy garbage.

2. Candy Corn- Hmm, let's see, this is condensed sugar that tastes like nothing in particular but un-Godly sweetness. I think you can literally eat no more than 3 of these before going into a diabetic coma.

3. Black Licorice- The worst of the worse. I mean, seriously, is there any candy that has a more polar opinion with people? There are a few freaks like JT who actually like it, and then there is the rest of people who have taste buds who realize how vile it is. Just look at it when you bite it. Where the teeth break it off, it looks like there is moss growing in the middle.

Red licorice isn't among my favorites, but it's infinitely better than black licorice. Black licorice...you're on notice.

J.H. Naners

On a very off topic side note, Missouri has a player named Leo "the paper eating" Lyons, which is awesome. Shout out to the Lincoln Zoo!!

Hall of Fame....Hall of F'ing Terrible

This is the first in a series of posts about one thing that is great and one thing that is equally f'ing terrible. First up are two things that people have fighting about for centuries. Black Licorice and Radio DJs

Black Licorice kicks ass. Many people disagree with this assessment and I call those people morons. The debate rages as to where black licorice was invented, some say the United States, some say the Netherlands, I say Heaven. Licorice has been used to treat common maladies like sore throat, arthritis and can even help your memory so you can remember how fucking awesome black licorice is. In the U.S. we have this b.s. imposter licorice, red. How they came up with this garbage I'll never know, but it can't touch old reliable black. And look at all the cool stuff black licorice has brought us!!!!! So if you don't like black licorice, stop being such a puss and try some, visit Licorice International in the licorice hub of the world, Lincoln, Nebraska and get your hands on the LIC!

Radio DJs are the most vile, despicable people on earth. Let me first preface this Hall of F'ing Terrible inductee by saying that I will primarily focus on the morning DJ. Generally these "people" fall into three catagories. The first are the caffinated twenty something kids who's job it is to read stupid ass polls, talk about how men and women are different and ask "What's your worst date ever?" They are generally on Pop stations and they say things like, "We have WAAAAAYYYYY too much fun!!!" Then a twelve year old girl will call in and give a shout out to Marie and Samantha from Sheridan School. A hell of a lot of forced laughter from this group.

Group #2 are the easy listening DJs. They have more soothing voices and don't get as "edgy" as the pop stations. Their target is 30-year old women, so all they talk about are relationships, the holidays, bad tv shows and celebrities. You can also be 90% sure that the man will have some sort of facial hair.

The final group is the most evil of the holy trinity of evil. It's the forty-five year old guys who think they are fucking hilarious. Now if you have been to a sporting event where some old guys sit by you and they just keep dropping god awful jokes and think they're goddam Dave Attell, you know what I am talking about. Seriously guys, you can't all call your show the "Morning Zoo." They love doing parodies, ripping on celebrities and farting. The problem is they are not funny. Which brings us to the real reason I despise morning DJs: Forced Laughter. I'm looking your way Bob and Tom in the Morning. "It will be overcast today, so not bright like yesterday." "Speaking of 'not bright' Paris Hilton..." HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! They used to give people hard labor for broadcasting crap like that.

The next time any of you laugh at one of those radio shows, just think of this, because he is the one informing you that women like the toilet seat down.

JT

thanks nutsonline.com and Rock1015.com for the pics